Killing a wasp doesn't mean you won't be stung
by grilledjellyfish
Summary: Gintoki wakes up after a alcohol ladden night to find his office turned into the temporary shinsengumi HQ. Desperate to protect the shogun from assassins they ask for the help of the yorozuya, dragging them into the chaos. Later Gin/Tae
1. Don't draw your sword inside a closet

Author's notes:

First try on Gintama fanfic. I pretty soon realized, that this manga is one hell of a complex bitch (not that I had already noticed that after having read the first few chapter XD) and Sorachi-sensei is one of those geniuses among JUMP mangaka everbody should be putting up shrines for (wouldn't a Justaway-shrine be just splendid?)! Hail to his hairy behind O.o'

Hope to be able to entertain you moderately with this little snippet of Diploma-induced madness!

Feel free to r&r, because basically, I can't live without your brutally honest opinion. o(_)o

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Lesson 1: Don't draw your sword inside a closet.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Damn those Amanto… beaming their grey asses down from their super-cool spaceships and thinking the world was theirs to boot.

Sure. They hade brought some fine stuff along. Television, Pachinko-halls, color printers and G-pens. Which had undergone the most natural co-evolution and had inevitably lead to the first JUMP issue and mangas about friendship, adventure, pirate kings and substitute shinigamis.

He was sure to become one of the latter in his afterlife.

But of all the things, those weird looking, sometimes gross smelling fellows could have brought with them, why _this_.

The street made another strange motion, almost bringing Gintoki down on all fours. Only a nearby plush-hamster prevented him from toppling over ungracefully. Who had come up with the idea of moving streets anyway?

"Oh, Gin-_chaaaaan_!" The hamster whined, staring back at him with big, black eyes. "You shouldn't have had that last glass, _neeee_?!" It winked, its fur changing color from brown to pink with purple dots. Brows rising high on his forehead, the swaying man watched as it opened its wings and flew away.

Closing his eyes for a second, he found the blackness behind his lids doing approximately exactly the same as the damn alien street.

Frigging hamster was probably right… that last Dom Pérignon had done him in.

The God of gamble had been good to him that day, blessing him with the sacred hand of luck. In an Pachinko-marathon like none ever before, he had made so much money that he could have paid the rent for last month and buy Kagura enough sukonbu for her poo to never return to its original color again.

But a man was still a man!

And men needed to drink sake! And they did it with style! And with lotsa women! They had needs that had to be quenched!...

He had planned to have some quality time at that ramen stand with a few cups of warm sake. But trying to remember that was difficult, because his brain was like a broken record and seemed to automatically jump from that thought to a red couch and empty bottles scattered around him…

If he remembered correctly, and his memory appeared to be a bit fuzzy around the edges, it had been a certain someone else who had made him go inside that hideous huge building with all those money-thirsting women…

Falling over a waste basket, Gin got back up again and tried to make out whether the sign of his house was already in sight, his eyes glassy.

"Damn monster-woman." He mumbled in a slurred voice. "The offspring of a mountain gorilla… "

He could still feel that unbelievable vice-grip around his wrist, a powerful strength like that of five mules pulling him inside that freaking establishment. And then there was that dazzling smile on her face as she ended every damn sentence with _Dom Pérignon_.

Gintoki would make Shinpachi bleed for having that woman as his sister!

Scratching his head, he finally found himself in front of the closed doors of the old hag's bar. With an effort born from pure desperation to take a pee, he climbed up the stairs, black boots dragging behind as slowly but surely darkness crept up on his consciousness.

The sliding door was pried open and the boots discarded somewhere along the way to the living room.

He could just hope Shinpachi would fall over them the next morning. His plan on revenge was initiated. Now fate had to play its evil part.

His eyes were barely open anymore as his hand grabbed blindly for the remote control, while flopping down on the sofa. His bladder protested mildly against the movement, but Gintoki's last few working brain cells had already decided to pick up the latest JUMP instead.

The back of his head hit the armrest hard.

"Why ain't _my_ zanpakutou talkin' with me." He mused, listening to a commercial for eatable diapers blaring soundly in the background.

-.-.-.-.-.-

He woke, to find his world bathed in absolute darkness. The smell of recycled paper and fresh ink infiltrating his senses as he took a deep breath.

His limbs were aching as he dragged his heavy arm up from where it had been lying partly on the table. With numb fingers, Gintoki grabbed the JUMP lying on his face and pulled it down with an incoherent grunt.

Moving his eyes to the left, he found Son Goku doing the Kamehameha in a re-run of Dragon Ball.

What had woken him in the middle of the night anyway? Had it been the noise of the dozen police cars speeding by his front door? Or maybe the unbelievable need to wet his pants right here and then? Or that strange dream involving Zura dressed in a Kimono, eating his parfait?

Who knew… probably a sugar low.

Sitting up, he found his world still dipping slightly to the right even when his head was perfectly straight.

"Dom Pérignon should come with parental advisory… " He mumbled to no one in particular, scratching his messy silver hair as he got up slowly and walked to the kitchen on unsteady legs.

The fridge opened and he grabbed a carton of strawberry milk.

A noise from the sleeping room aka storage room made him stop mid-gulp and with a frown Gintoki suddenly realized that he hadn't heard any noise from the violent Yato offspring.

"Ah." He remembered with a small smile. "Sleepover at Shimura's." The gathering of the beasts.

The noise again, sounding almost like a herd of ungraceful boars tiptoeing through the hall. Strangely enough he felt no need to take hold of his bokuto, the only sirens he could here coming from the blaring police cars roaming the streets of Kabukicho.

Hangover and rest alcohol forgotten, he strode to the door leading to the living room, frowning when he couldn't remember having closed it, and pulled it open in one fluid motion.

"Oi, danna. Long time no see."

Averting his gaze from the scene currently playing out in his favorite room, Gin heaved a sigh born from total overtiredness.

"I'm having real bad hallucinations… damn Dom Pérignon."

Looking back up, he made a face and finally entered, stepping into a puddle of sticky liquid. The smell of blood clung to the formally normal dusty air and in the eerie light of the TV he could make out drops and puddles of the crimson liquid forming trails to the two familiar men.

"Could'cha at least spread some newspaper on the floor and couch? Ya're bleeding all over the place." He grumbled, watching as Okita was already ripping out pages of his JUMP issue and covering the immediate area around him.

"Ya know, my heart just got ripped as well…"

"Sakata-saaan!" The obnoxious loud voice of the leader of the shinsengumi announced his presence, one apparently uninjured arm lifted high in the air to gain Gin's attention. Retrieving his arm, he folded them across his chest, sitting serenely on the couch.

"As you can hear, Edo is facing a disastrous event." The sirens were still racing past the house in disorder. "There has been an assassination attempt on the Shogun's life."

The arm that wasn't inside the kimono sleeve snaked across his abdomen to scratch a spot somewhere close to his wooden sword. "He dead?" Gintoki asked in a flat, disinterested tone of voice.

A small grin played around Kondou's lips as he nodded his spiky head towards his right.

There was a moment of absolute silence, as Gintoki blinked a few times as if to clear his vision.

"_WHY THE HELL_ IS A NAKED SHOGUN SITTING ON _MY _COUCH!?!" Gintoki yelled, finger pointing at the tall man with a perfect top-knot sitting silently on the sofa. Even then, an air of aristocracy surrounded him like a halo.

"Shogun-sama, would you please so kind as to stand up for a moment?" Okita asked in the most humble voice, spreading torn JUMP pages on the sofa where the young Shogun had been sitting silently.

"He ain't a leaking puppy fer God's sake!! He can control his sphincter!!" Gin's nerves were slowly running thin.

"We were able to deflect the attack. We had obtained some reliable information from a source outside the shinsengumi beforehand." Kondou continued as if nothing had happened, staring straight ahead at the TV changing its program from the re-run to breaking news. "The shinsengumi were decimated by half, either killed or taken prisoner, leaving the rest to protect his highness' life."

"And when did I get dragged into this mess?" Gin asked with a sigh as he walked towards Sougo and snatched the remains of his favorite magazine out of his destructive hands before he could reach the new 'Bleach' chapter. "Can't remember having signed up for your club."

Clearing his throat, Kondou got up from his seat, finally turning his face towards the silver haired man. His features were partly covered in blood, one eye already swelling. His clothes were splattered with blood as well, though Gintoki doubted it was all his own.

"I am enlisting the services of the yorozuya!" He announced with a loud sonorous voice. "Grant us asylum until we have charged our strength again!!"

Frowning slightly, Gintoki scratched his head with a sigh.

"What Kondou-san is trying to say is, let us wait here until Hijikata-san and Yamazaki-san return from gathering the survivors and doing a perimeter check. We were scattered after our flight and not in a too good shape either." Okita pointed at the numerous bleeding wounds covering his torso and arms in a strange pattern with a slight smile.

"Phew… this stinks like one of Sadaharu's piles. The waste disposal costs are pretty high these days, ya know?"

Another deep sigh and Gin cocked his head slightly to the side to watch a burning palace flittering across the TV screen. His hand scratched through his natural perm roughly. "Who was it? Don't guess it was a Joi thing."

A long uncomfortable silence spread out in the living room.

"The Tendoshu."

-.-.-.-.-.-

"We're baaack." Still half asleep, Shinpachi pulled the sliding door open, ignoring Sadaharu's sticky breath on his neck. He hadn't really gotten any sleep last night with two giggling females in the room next to his. "Otose-san caught us downstairs and demands the rent…"

He entered and promptly crashed to the floor, landing in a heap in front of the second boot. Somehow, he just felt like having stepped into a trap screaming his name…

Shinpachi wiped his bleeding nose on his sleeve and got back up.

"Good morning, Shinpachi-kun."

"Good morning, Yamazaki-kun."

The badminton-playing man disappeared in the toilette and Shinpachi walked on, watching as Kagura entered the living room with her inugami hot on her heels. Just then a grumbling man walked out of the kitchen with a bowl of rice topped with approximately one kilo of mayonnaise.

"Get outta my way, brat!" He barked, the lit cigarette whipping up and down with the movement of his lips.

"I'm sorry, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi replied demurely, bowing his head slightly as he apologized. He waited until the vice-captain of the shinsengumi had entered and followed then inside.

Looking about the totally messed up room, Shinpachi pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and silently walked to the couch, where the head of the yorozuya was sitting. He was picking his nose languidly, looking like he was deep in thoughts.

He was watching the news, grabbing for the remote to raise the volume a few notches in response to the new arrivals.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??" Shinpachi finally exploded, vein throbbing dangerously on his temple. "Why is half the police force gathered in here?!"

Not bothering to extract his pinky from where it was stuck, Gintoki turned his head around to face the youngster with half open eyes.

"Oi, oi, Shinpachi. Pipe down or your blood pressure will make yer head explode." The finger appeared out in the open and the silver haired samurai blew something off of the tip. "I can't hear the weather broadcast anymore."

An arm suddenly appeared around Shinpachi's shoulder as another presence materialized out of the nowhere right beside him.

"Sakata-san, don't be like that!" Kondou's voice was didactical and way too loud. Barking a short laugh, he winked at Shinpachi. "We Shimuras have to stick together, ne, little brother."

Taking the hairy hand resting on his shoulder, Shinpachi extracted himself from the companionable semi-hug with a sigh. "Who are the _Shimura__**s**_? Be glad my sister didn't hear that." He stated in the flattest voice one could muster. "And stop calling me little brother or she _will_."

A nervous chuckle and Kondou's arms folded across his bandaged abdomen defiantly.

"Shinpachi-kun. I am deeply sorry for taking up so much of your room, but the shinsengumi had to make the yorozuya into our temporary command headquarters."

"Oi, Kaguraaa. Get outta the way." Gintoki announced suddenly, making a motion with his hand for her to step aside. "Ketsuno Hana is talking about her freshly divorced ex."

In front of the television screen, Kagura was standing, still wearing her jacket and nibbling on a half eaten sukonbu slice.

"Ne, Gin-chan." She began around a mouthful of sukonbu and pointed her red umbrella at a spot to Gintoki's right. "Why is that man sitting in my command headquarters."

"Kagura, didn't your mother teach you not to point your umbrella at just anyone? That's rude."

Shinpachi felt his hair falling out all at once when he found the shogun himself sitting on a few torn JUMP pages in _his_ spare-hakama. Maybe he hadn't really woken that morning. Maybe this was all a big bad dream, induced by his sister's abominable tamagoza.

If he hit his head hard enough, the shinsengumi and the shogun would be gone.

"Oi, danna." Shinpachi stopped in the middle of banging his head against the big table to find Okita standing in the doorway, wearing one of Gintoki's yukata and looking slightly off. "There's no strawberry milk left in the fridge. Do you have anything to wash down the chocolate cake with."

A moment of absolute silence followed, when suddenly the vacuum filled with black horror.

"You are dead."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

FINIS?!

Second part planned… but well… time and muse hit for the most unexpected reasons. Maybe your constructive criticism helps?


	2. Don’t press too hard You’ll get cramps

Author's notes:

Anyone read chapter 238? Sorachi-sensei is such an obstinate shipper that it makes me want to hit his head. In a friendly manner…

Thanks to all (4) reviewers!! I shall make you foreman of my Justaway-manufactory. But put more feeling into the arms!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Lesson 2: Don't press too hard. You'll get cramps.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"20 glasses of mayonnaise, seven packages sukonbu, eight chocolate bars, but gimme the expensive ones over there and this week's JUMP."

A brown eyebrow rose above the rim of the pair of cheap sunglasses, the owner having a hard time concealing his confusion. Nonetheless, he did as he was told and retrieved all the goods from where they were lying on shelves behind the counter, stuffing them into a plastic bag.

"Nah, not that unhealthy stuff. Gimme a cotton bag. Ain't you reading the newspaper? The legendary ice monster is already living in a green hell by now! Don't want the environment to go down the drain because of me."

The other eyebrow rose as well, as the brown haired man in his early forties transferred the items from the plastic bag into the cotton bag.

"That'll cost you some extra then."

"More?" There was short pause. "I'll take the plastic bag after all. The environment will survive me, let the next generation handle the ice monster's advocate."

The chocolate bars and glasses wandered from the cotton bag into the white plastic bag.

"Oh and give me some of those toilet-seat-plastic-cover-thingies you have there. I don't even dare sit down to take a dump anymore with all those hairy asses dirtying my sacred place of peacefulness."

The toilet-seat-plastic-cover-thingies disappeared somewhere between mayonnaise and sukonbu.

"You having a party tonight, Gin-san?" Hasegawa asked, typing in the prizes into the registry and opening his hand to take the money from his first customer of the day.

In front of him, Gintoki scratched absentmindedly at his silver hair, heaving a troubled sigh as he stared out of the dirty front window of the small shop. A couple of police officers passed by, talking animatedly with their hands firmly on the holster of their guns.

"I'm a hostage in a mayonnaise-yellow hell." He retorted in a slurred tone of voice, grabbing the handles of the plastic bag and turned to leave the store. Lifting a hand goodbye, he lowered his head when walking by the two officers who had just entered.

"They say, we're close. Those rats must be hiding somewhere in this district."

"Frigging pseudo-samurai'll soon be shut up foreeeeee~vaaa~."

The last part of the sentence came out in a long screech, as the man fell face first into a row of lemonade bottles, having tripped over the black boot of the customer who had just disappeared around the corner of the store.

Gintoki could still hear the two men yelling angrily even when he had rounded the corner, entering the main street. It was buzzing with activity, school kids running around and playing with their new-generation-Y-Justaway-action-figures while their mothers bought fresh vegetables at the countless stands.

The mayonnaise bottles were heavy and the plastic bag was cutting into the palm of his hand.

"I've fallen to new lows…" The man with the natural perm mumbled languidly. "Playing the caring house wife for a bunch of sweaty men. I'm sure they have hair down there. Saw some lying in the shower this morning." Walking across a small bridge, he sighed. "If they have that kind of hair, they shoulda be able to take care of themselves…"

To his right, a bench was standing invitingly under a willow.

Sitting down heavily, he let the plastic bag fall unceremoniously onto the ground, making a face when the glasses banged against each other. Extracting the JUMP from the messed up interior of the bag, he flipped it open on the first page.

No _To Love Ru_ this week. Shinpachi would be devastated.

As he sifted through the last chapters of the issue (he always kept the Bleach and One Piece chapters for the grand final), he saw two figures walking down the side of the brook towards him.

Trying to pay them no heed, he almost groaned when one of them sat down slowly beside him.

Glancing sideways, Gin quirked an eyebrow in question. "Why the hat? Your taint is suffering and you're wondering why ya have no luck with the women?"

"The shinsengumi may not be around right now, but only the dumb close their eyes when blinded by the sun." Came the cryptic reply.

The JUMP closed with a soft thud as Gin straightened and leant back against the bench, face turned upwards to look at the clear blue sky. "With that monster mimicking yer shadow, only a blind idiot wouldn't trip over you, Zura."

A subtle sigh followed at that. "Not Zura. Katsura."

"You probably know more of what has happened, than me. Why bother showing up and get on my nerves then?" Gin demanded in a strained voice. He really, really wanted to just sit here and read some frigging chapters. Why was the God of manga so unaccommodating to him? Was it because of that incident a few days ago, having involved a JUMP issue, Okita and a naked shogun?

Nah.

A group of young men walked by, talking animatedly about the news concerning the totally wracked palace and the current TV program.

"The Tendoshu won't be sitting still for much longer." Katsura began after the young people were out of ear shot. Despite their obviously harmless appearance, Elizabeth followed their every move for another few seconds with round unexpressive eyes.

Truly the eyes of a hawk.

"Tell me 'bout it. Playing sitting duck's never been my strength."

"How many of them have submitted to your help, Gintoki?"

Scratching the bridge of his nose thoughtfully, Gin stared ahead at the bridge. "Well, one is from the planet ultra-Sado, so no submitting there and the other one is probably not into any SM at all. The hairy M stalker already got his dominatrix, which leaves two."

A long silence stretched out between the two friends, when Katsura unfolded his arms from where they had been crossed in front of his chest. His left hand disappeared inside the folds of his Gi just to come out again with a sheet of paper.

"This location will be their next target. They appear to have found out about the secret hiding place of Matsudaira Katakuriko, the God of destruction."

Taking the proffered piece, Gin unfolded it and read the few lines with half open eyes.

"Pretty close to that freaking establishment of the gorilla offspring." The paper was handed back to the original owner with a deep sigh. "How'd you get all these information, Zura?"

"Katsura. I have some reliable intelligence inside the private army of the Tendoshu. The Joi have their patriots everywhere."

"Where you the one warning the shinsengumi then?"

There was no answer, but Gintoki had heard enough for one day that had barely begun. If he didn't go back soon, the mayonnaise would turn all bad and he'd have the demon vice-captain with diarrhea hugging his beloved toilet by the end of tomorrow. And he only got one package of toilet-seat-plastic-cover-thingies.

"Come by some time today. We'll be having ramen." He drawled and stood up, grabbing the plastic bag with the strange combination of foods.

"But don't expect a welcome party."

-.-.-.-.-.-

Gintoki regretted having returned so early two seconds after having entered his apartment.

"What did'cha do to prevent this from happening?"

"I couldn't… I just… couldn't stop…"

"Did ya use that nipple-stick-thingy?"

"Please, Sakata-san, you have to believe me! I _really_ couldn't stop. I felt like my insides were forcing their way out of my natural exit and –"

"How 'bout more water? How many times did'cha flush?"

There was a short pause, as the two men looked behind Kondou at the closed bathroom door, listening intently to the sound of a flushing toilette.

"The mechanism seems to be defect… it's still flushing."

This cleared immediately the question, why Gintoki was currently standing in two centimeters of water in the middle of his hallway. Right then, Sougo exited the toilette, wearing pink gummy gloves and Gin's yukata… which was slightly "soiled".

"Kondou-san, the toilet brush is stuck pretty deep in the pipe. You should ask Hijikata-san to pull it out with his teeth. His jaws are mighty vises; he could surely- Oi, danna. Didn't know you were back already."

It was exactly this moment, that Shinpachi decided to come out of the living room, covered in warm, dripping saliva. Some bite marks still bled were Sadaharu's teeth had punctured his skull, but the look of utter annoyance probably didn't originate from such profanities.

Gin's eyes moved down the young man's arm and came to rest on an ashtray.

Ah.

"We have a strict 'No Smoking' Policy in this apartment." Half a dozen stumps of smoked cigarettes toppled down Stump Mountain, swimming away in the water covering the floor in a huge puddle. "You know Otose-san is afraid, we'd burn down the house. There's no way she'll-"

"Kondou-san, help me pull out Hijikata's sword of the toilette. It seems to be stuck in the paper clump."

Wrapping his arms around Okita's lower abdomen, the bearded man pulled with all he had, sweat trickling down his face as he grunted his orders to "Puu~ll". Gin watched the two men with a neutral expression, hoping silently that the water wasn't already dripping through the tatami mats into the old hag's bar.

There was a light knock on the door, but the men were paying it no heed. Shinpachi started arguing again with Gintoki, who was staring down at his soaked feet. Hijikata decided to join them then, yelling colorful abuses - not allowed in this fanfiction, because some readers might still be underage – at the shinsengumi leader and the 1st division captain.

Now, several things happened simultaneously.

The door opened, allowing the origin of the knock to enter the yorozuya apartment.

Gin stepped aside to take the Stump Mountain ashtray and empty it in Sadaharu's bowl.

Kondou and Sougo succeeded in pulling out the katana, making the content of the toilette explode in a fountain of… evil.

The last splashing sounds of falling _debris_, toilet paper and dirty water could be heard in the silence that ensued as everyone stared at the woman standing in the doorway. Her brown hair was slightly damp as a large piece of half degraded paper slid down her forehead, eyes crinkled up as she smiled warmly back at the gathered party.

Kagura was still nibbling on a slice of sukonbu as she stepped into the hallway.

"Ah! Anego came to bring me my pajama pants!"

And then: Horror.

-.-.-.-.-.-

If he could pinpoint one moment in his life where all the fortune and luck he had never received and all the angels and Gods available had decided to come together and finally help him out just once, then it must have been the moment approximately three minutes ago.

He was still alive.

No scratch, no bruise, not even a speck of toilette content on his yukata.

As he dared to lift his gaze to look around, he found Shinpachi and Kagura standing outside in the hallway, both holding a mop and bucket, but only one was actually using it. Somewhere in the toilette, a wannabe ninja and his sado-master were trying their best with the blocked pipe, meaning Yamazaki was forced to clear it with his bare hands under the watchful eyes of his superior.

Inside the yorozuya/shinsengumi headquarters commando stand, Hijikata was sitting solemnly on the couch beside him, chewing on the unlit coffin nail dangling from pursed lips.

In front of the pair, Tae was sitting beside the shogun.

She had changed into a fresh kimono, Otose-san had given her, and was smiling pleasantly back at the two men.

One may think now: How had they all survived the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius?

The answer: They hadn't.

Kondou was lying in a bleeding heap somewhere behind Hijikata and Gintoki on the floor, his fatal wounds probably being actually fatal, so that Hijikata was now unofficially acting captain of the shinsengumi with Okita finally being vice-captain.

For some unknown reason, all the anger and brutal energy of that woman had vented on the gorilla, having made him to the absolute center of Tae's way of rebuking them.

"I actually came to see what my little brother was doing. He hasn't visited his beloved sister for some days and I feared he had finally turned into an useless, lonely, good-for-nothing, poor, badly dressed ronin without a proper katana, the hair of a messy old man and the eyes of a dead fish."

"That description was way too long." Gintoki waved at her with some annoyance but didn't dare raise his voice any more.

"And now I find him among these barbarians. Gin-san, I have left him in your care so that he would find strong allies and turn into a fine man-"

"Aneue, don't make me look like a kid here."

"- but he seems to only make friends with this cruel, uncivilized monsters."

Hijikata took out the unlit cigarette, almost succumbing to the need to blow out a nonexistent lung of smoke. "Oi, who's the uncivilized monster here?"

A long bamboo pole came crushing down on the new acting captain of the shinsengumi, silencing him effectively as the woman withdrew her new means of punishment.

"This is the new appointment of the yorozuya. Don't get in the way of our first certain payment for weeks, woman."

Gintoki automatically closed his eyes against the imminent punishment, but after three seconds nothing had happened and he dared to eye the woman sitting across from him.

She was watching him intently, hands folded neatly in her lap across the bamboo pole.

Odd.

A light knock on the front door announced another presence then, but either no-one actually cared or no-one… actually cared. So everyone resumed doing what they had been doing until then, Okita and Yamazaki finally having exited the bathroom.

"The flush's working again, danna, and the pipe's free."

Beside Sougo, Yamazaki was staring at his dirty hands and arms decidedly with disgust. "Can I shower now, vice captain-sama?" The newly appointed vice captain stared at the newly appointed captain and smiled a low diabolical grin.

"G-Gin-san?" Shinpachi interrupted the moment of maniacal silence abruptly as he dashed through the door to the living room, mop still in hand. "You h-have a special guest, maybe-"

"Gintoki, I have brought some soba. May I put it on the kitchen counter?"

The maniacal silence turned into a deathly stillness as the men all stared at the number one enemy of the shinsengumi.

Katsura Kotaru stared back unfazed. Though only with one eye, because the other orb was hidden behind a pirate patch.

The silence was broken by the distinct _click_ as Sougo released the safety catch on his bazooka, pointing the barrel at the Joi patriot with menace evaporating from his being in lively spurts of crimson energy.

"Kaaatsuraaa!!"

"Not Katsura. _Captain_ Katsura." He corrected determinedly, pointing at the hook where his left hand was supposed to be.

Elizabeth grabbed for her katana and jumped right in front of her owner just as the man with the mayonnaise fetish and the bazooka carrying samurai both dashed forward, a furious yell torn from their throats when they finally saw their chance to finish him off.

"NOOOOOOOOO~"

Kondou –miraculously resurrected from the dead- jumped across the couch, lunging for Hijikata's legs. With all the strength left in his fatally injured body, he crushed his arms around the pair of thighs, bringing the man with the black spiky hair to fall.

And just like on domino day, the pieces began to fall.

Hijikata crashed into Okita, Okita let go of his bazooka, the bazooka collided with Elizabeth, Elizabeth toppled a bit, swayed some more and fell backwards into Katsura.

Shinpachi –poor kid- had been standing right behind the Joi leader and was buried underneath a heap of torsos, limbs and cursing heads.

"Too~shiii! You must not kill him!!"

Wide eyes stared back at the leader of the shinsengumi in utter disbelief.

"He was the one!" Kondou cried out. "Katsura was the informant!!"

What followed was the typical shocked silence that always ensued, when the identity of secret informants, kick-ass evil enemies or new girlfriends were revealed to a major audience and the present number of people in the yorozuya was no exception to that rule.

Among the heap of stunned men (and space monster), one body began to move and cough, gaining everybody's attention at once.

"It is true." Captain Katsura began, attempting to get free from some unknown vice grip around his ankles but failing quite spectacularly. "_I_ was the one who send the messages to Kondou-san."

Some aimed kicks and the owner of the hands let go of his prey and Katsura slithered gracefully out of the human dump, brushed off some dust and stood tall. "I am not the person you may think I am. But in reality I~"

The newest JUMP issue landed squarely in his face, sending him reeling backwards into the heap of tangled human bodies (and space monster), nose bleed included.

Gintoki stood up where he had been sitting on the couch, one brow raised as he eyed his old friend with a sigh. "Don't pull an _Aizen_ in my living room. Read the chapters, saw the episodes. Better come up with something new and tell us something 'bout their new target and stuff."

Katsura's brows scrunched up tightly as he got back up and stared at Gin for a long moment.

"They have captured Matsudaira-san where he had been hiding in Kabukicho. And it seems they are close to locating your hideout as well."

"B-But what can we do?" Shinpachi asked, still buried underneath Elizabeth.

"What we need now, is a securer hideout. Somewhere no one would guess the shinsengumi are hiding the shogun. An impregnable fortress with weaponry and a good strategic defense system."

Eyes of all the present men went downwards as they stared at the floor contemplating, chins resting in palms.

After a second, Gin and Kondou both simultaneously looked up at the pleasantly smiling woman sitting silently beside the shogun.

An epiphany was seldom. Especially double epiphanies.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

FINIS?!

I know this took me forever, but… excuses are hard to make up and even harder to write down :3

I am aware that this chapter (again) contains very little Gin/Tae stuff, but be patient. It wouldn't fit right with the manga to just jump into the shipperisms.

R&R and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!


	3. There are no alligators in the sewers

Author's notes:

I've been gone for many moons. A lot has happened and I feel horrible for having abandoned this fic for sooooo long. BUT: Am working my ass off to complete my dissertation, so please have some feelings for my poor soul! ONEGAI!! Otherwise you leave me no choice, but to use a gigantic Justaway on ya all! Bohahahahahaha…

R&R

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Lesson 3: There are no alligators in the sewers.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Was it just him or did that stuff just wrap around his ankle?

No… surely no~t…

…

Yes! It was definitely pulling at his legs. It was trying to submerge him! Some abominable, monstrous creature was living down here, stalking him like he was its pray.

'Oh, what did you have for lunch today?'

'Well, a nice sirloin á la samurai and Gin on the Rocks. Have you tried the sukonbu girl already?'

…

"GET YOUR FILTHY TENTACLES OFF MY LEEEEEEEGS!!"

The echo resounded throughout the narrow corridor, bouncing off of the thick walls and veeery slowly dying away as the screech got carried down the different paths as the way divided up into another fork and another fork and…

"Gin-san, there is nothing in the water. Please refrain from yelling down here."

Water? Was that kid blind? Did he need a new pair of glasses? How could that stinking brew of feces, trash and… _stuff_ be normal water?! Hah! Who could assure him that no slimy, abnormal alien was living down here in the sewers of the city, feeding on the wasted live forces of the whole of Kabukicho?!

"W-what are you implying, Shinpachi-kuu~n. I was merely trying to wake up Kagura."

"Gin-chan's only afraid of the monster alligators. Mr. News said on TV that they prefer messy haired Madaos over lonely gorillas."

A moment of absolute silence followed, which was only interrupted when one of the citizens living above the wasteland sewers decided to flush his/her toilette. A spray of _something _hit Kondo's legs as he stared at Kagura with pursed lips.

"S-surely there a-are no monster alligators down here, ne, Toshi?"

"I dun care. I'm not on their menu."

"Maybe not on theirs, but didn't you see the documentation about the last survivors of the gigantic cockroach invasion from last summer?" Okita took some steps towards the wall of the canal pipe, extending his arm as he stared thoughtfully at the slimy surface, almost as if to touch it. With an air of drama he started calmly: "Some scientists found out that they're gathering underneath fast food stalls and restaurants where the mayonnaise concentration is twenty times higher than in normal parts of the sewers …"

The stump of Hijikata's cigarette fell into the stinking brew, sizzling as it submerged.

The sound of their last seconds in hell ticking by could be heard as the three men stared at each other with sweaty faces.

"L-let's just keep moving… we don't w-want the police to find us down here…"

The caravan consisting of the shinsengumi members, the shogun (who was riding on Sadaharu) and the three and a half members of the yorozuya started to move again, trudging through the knee deep wastewater until they reached a cross section.

"I don't have the slightest idea where we are. Aneue said to follow the main street and then take a right turn, but now…"

They had been following her vague instructions for almost one and a half hour by now, having decided that this would be the only way to get to their newly assigned headquarters aka the Shimura dojo aka the impregnable castle of hell without being spotted up on the streets, which were literally swarming with a police force big enough to bring down an army of zombrows.

"Do not worry, Shinpachi-kun!" Kondo announced, hands placed on his hip as his obnoxious loud voice bellowed through the confined space. "I am pretty sure we are very close to your dojo. We just have to go right now, walk another three hundred meters, climb up a level, tiptoe around the mines, do a back flip across the laser trap and crawl through to the exit in the garden, naturally minding the alien spiders at the ceiling."

The others stared at the hairy shinsengumi leader.

"Stalker."

"Only a stalker could know this."

"Don't come near my sister ever again."

"Madao."

"Remember the Madao eating monster alligators, gorilla-san."

They trudged along with their backs facing the depressed shinsengumi commander.

Nobody seemed too surprised when they had to climb to the next level after 300 meters, had to tiptoe around two dozen mines or had to do a back flip across a sophisticated laser trap and appeared suddenly in the middle of the garden to the Shimura dojo.

The only thing that took not only Kondo off guard was the lack of alien spiders.

Because the spiders had apparently been eaten by alien moths with poisonous powder on their huge wings, almost suffocating the group of humans.

Panting as if they had been forced to go through an inhuman adventure leading them through the alienfied sewers of the town, the group sat in the garden, watching as two figures advanced from the house, one wearing a kimono, the other one looking much like Captain Katsura with breasts.

"Aneue, why didn't you warn me about the traps down there?"

An honestly befuddled face stared thoughtfully at the entry to the gates of hell.

"Why, I totally forgot that I installed them there. Maybe I should feed the spiders from time to time…"

"Don't bother, woman, your deceptive and monstrous life energy has called forth even worse creatures of the night."

The sharp end of a katana almost touched Gintoki's nose, the wielder glaring down at the oblivious man through one fiery eye. Gin kept on picking at his nose languidly, watching the rest of the assembled refugees get up and walk towards the main house.

"Do not dare to call Otae-san 'woman' again, trash, or you shall feel my blade for real next time."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Gintoki waved off Kyubei's sword with his free hand (the other appeared to be stuck in a compromising place) and got up. Dusting off the death powder from his trouser, he watched with uncaring eyes as a bonsai standing on a stone nearby lost all leaves and turned into something mushy black resembling anything Shinpachi's sister cooked.

When he finally got inside, most men were in the process of losing their clothing, discarding the pieces carelessly wherever they had decided to stand. The stench of inexpressible substances filled the room like a green fog, making Gintoki wish for diving equipment or those smelling trees one could put into their car.

Yes. A nice long, hot shower was exactly what he needed right now to wash away the exertions and manly sweat from the exhausting days.

The lattice doors flew open and in the frame stood a demon, her halberd glinting in the fading light of the setting sun. The men gathered in front of her, in all their naked glory, watched mesmerized as she thrust the long weapon right into the middle of the group.

Kondo narrowly escaped certain death thanks to the years of extreme training he had been forced to undergo as her No. 1 stalker, breaking down with foam at the corners of his mouth.

"Do not dare to leave the dirty washing lying around in this sacred place of my childhood!" Tae's red glinting eyes pin pointed one of said objects hanging limply down from a lamp. "Or I shall show you the path of least bloodshed!"

"L-least bloodshed?!? Bloodbath!! That's what you wanted to say!!" Hijikata yelled into the silence born from sheer terror.

"N-no worry. We're samurai, we ain't gonna leave a speck of dirt behind."

Glaring openly at Gintoki, Tae retrieved her weapon and walked out with an aura of malice, closing the sliding doors soundly behind her retreating form.

She had barely left the men to brood alone in their sweaty, negative atmosphere, when they started to pick up discarded clothes and put them carefully into a basket. Later they would have to draw straws to decide which poor soul would be the unlucky one washing them for that day.

-.-.-.-.-.-

It was already late at night when Gintoki decided to call it a day.

The Shimura house lay silently behind him as he sat on the wooden planks of the porch, looking out over the peaceful garden of death. After hours of talking, plotting and quarreling, the shinsengumi had gathered in the rooms of the dojo, the shogun surrounded by Kondo and his men like a horde of hideous mother hens, while Yamazaki, the poor soul, was doing the patrolling somewhere in the trees and on the roofs around the large house.

Gin had even gotten Kagura to finally fall asleep. And that after she had had too much coffee in an attempt to stay up longer than the ultra sadist. In the end, they had both been knocked unconscious by their overwhelming fatigue from the last few hard days… and to some degree by their immense stupidity.

A low murmur passed through the leaves of the dark canopies of the maple trees standing scattered among the compound as a breeze also disturbed the surface of the pond's water. Heaving a deep sigh, Gin closed his eyes for moment, wishing for nothing but absolute solitude.

The sound of tabi-clad feet on the tatami mats in the room behind him told him he wouldn't be granted his wishes once again.

Not opening his eyes yet, he listened as something wooden was placed on the porch right beside him and with a frown he glanced through heavily lidded eyes at the source of disturbance. To his right, Shimura Tae had knelt down gracefully, having placed a tray with a ceramic bottle and a low rimmed cup between the two of them. The smell of sake reached his nostrils and he inhaled deeply the intoxicating combination of the liquid and the faint hint of lavender.

Without acknowledging her presence, he stared again ahead at the dark garden, merely listening as she poured some of the clear liquid into the small cup.

After a second, he sat upright and turned slightly around, now able to see her silhouette illuminated by the little light penetrating the darkness from the living room.

"It seems like the house has finally settled down." Tae began in a soft tone of voice, the ever present smile bringing small crinkles to her eyes. "It hasn't been this lively for a long time."

Mesmerized, Gin watched as she put down the bottle again, mindful to keep the wide sleeves of her kimono out of the way. He allowed himself a short glance at her white wrists before they disappeared again inside the different folds of her clothing.

"Sorry fer all the trouble. Who would've thought the offspring of a mountain gorilla would allow us refugee?" He chuckled humorlessly, his eyes following her every move. She had picked up the small cup filled with clear sake and was offering it to him without her small smile faltering for a second. For the fraction of a second, he feared his remark would get him some sort of violent vengeance, but the sake cup didn't come flying into his face.

"But Gin-san. Even such a nice woman as me has to act a bit harsh at times, especially in this ruthless world."

Gintoki took the cup with his right hand and brought it to his lips without missing a beat. Gulping once, he indulged in the rich scent of the warm sake, his senses unconsciously seeking out the still present nuances of lavender being washed away by the breeze playing around the couple.

"A ruthless world it is." He mumbled at no-one in particular, downing the remains of the cup and holding it out for his companion to refill.

Eyes hidden behind the bangs of her brown hair, Tae's lips parted as she began to speak: "I honestly do not care about the shinsengumi or shogun." The weight of the cup in his hands increased as some more liquid was poured inside, but Gintoki kept his eyes fixed to the black nightly sky, half open orbs straying from one star to the other until the little white spots mingled into a blurry net. As she continued, Gintoki glanced slightly to where she was sitting. Tae was watching the sky as well, a thoughtful look passing over her features then. "But I would do anything to support Shin-chan and y-… and what he has decided to fight for and protect."

A small chuckle escaped Gin's lips before he swallowed it with some of the fresh sake. "Then I'm glad I'm in his close vicinity."

After that, the couple sat on the porch for a few minutes in comfortable silence.

It was Gin who broke the stillness when he put down the cup on the plate and lent back slightly.

"It's right what people say." Scratching his head and bringing even more disorder to his perms. "Sake tastes best when served by a woman."

Eyeing her with a scrunched up face, he found a dazzling smile grazing her lips. Maybe it was the fact that she wasn't ending every one of her sentences with 'Dom Pérignion', but something was so very different about her that night…

"SAKATAAAAA!!!!"

There sure was no perfect moment in this alien- and idiot-contaminated world.

Craning his neck so that he could look behind him without actually moving too much, Gin watched as a furry, spiky-haired man, wearing only a red fundoshi, came flying towards him with animalistic fury contorting his face. The picture was so grotesque, that Gintoki was tempted to turn around and let fate take over, but lightning fast movement from the woman beside him made him stop mid-way.

Before he had even realized it, his beloved bokuto had been yanked free from his belt and only a millisecond later protruded from the bleeding head of the leader of the shinsengumi. The pathetic whimper that came from quivering lips had apparently the right effect, because suddenly the rest of the shinsengumi was standing in all their sleepy glory in the living room, katanas drawn and pointing at…

"O-otae-sa-sama." Kondo began to stutter, backing away from the dark energy evaporating from the woman as she advanced with menacing slowness. "I- I was just t-trying to protect your innocence from the immoral behavior of that ronin."

Kondo was rendered immobile when a tabi-clad foot stomped down on the side of the fundoshi. With a quick pull, the wooden sword came free and was pointed back at the shinsengumi.

"Otae-san?"

Before Gintoki could indulge in any bloody wrestling scenes being carried out behind him, he noticed that a big egg-shaped shadow had appeared beside his frame and when he looked at the spot where Tae had just been sitting, he found two yellow duck feet protruding out of a pair of hairy shins blocking his view from the sake cup.

"Elizabeth?"

"Not Elizabeth. Katsura."

"What are ya? A broken record?"

It appeared the new arrival had somehow dampened Tae's need to randomly kill men, because the room beyond had suddenly turned deathly silent and as Katsura and Gintoki looked inside, the latter almost shuddered when two death glares were directed at the totally unfazed –because oblivious- Joi patriot.

If there had been any bazooka around (sleeping yukatas barely concealed the most necessary private parts and bazookas didn't count as such), Sougo would have used it just because it had somewhat become a habit. Like drinking sake under cherry trees or looking at one's own reflection in shop windows.

"Oh, if it isn't space monster Stefan." Shinpachi's sister pointed out with a pleasant smile.

"Not space monster Stefan. Katsura. Uhm, no, Elizabeth."

The trio entered then and for a tense second, the patriots and the shinsengumi (except for Kondo, who was still bleeding profoundly somewhere on the floor) got into a fierce staring contest until Gin scratched an un-itching spot at the back of his head absentmindedly, sighed and pulled Katsura along as he sat down cross-legged.

"So, Zura." The thousandth correction of his name was ignored by Gintoki with a wink of his hand. "Please tell me you haven't been followed here."

Chuckling, the samurai closed his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Do not think of me as an ignorant rookie, Gintoki. I am a master of deception or how do you think I have been able to survive for so long with the police force of Edo tailing me like the shadow of a street lantern?"

Someone cleared his throat soundly at that.

"More like master of idiocy… the only thing ya're good at is running away and tripping."

"Right now we are comrades, so do not harbor any hostile thoughts against the likes of me, for we have to stick together to come out of this grave situation unharmed."

For a fraction of a second it seemed like Okita and Elizabeth would launch themselves at each other, their eyes battling for the upper hand, but then suddenly the atmosphere of bloodlust evaporated when the only (real) woman cleared her throat.

"May I bring you some tea?"

Hidden message: This is the dojo of my deceased father, if you dare and do as much as drop a single bead of sweat on this sacred tatamis of memory, you shall pay penance with a beautiful fountain of your crimson life fluids.

"Don't bother." Gintoki announced with a sigh, waving off the gesture with a hand. "That idiot won't be staying fer too long anyway."

Nodding and smiling brightly at the gathered men, she bowed and exited the room, closing the sliding doors with a soft thud behind her.

"With the help of your superb ninja Yamazaki-san, we have been able to gather as much as 20 survivors of the massacre inside the shinsengumi headquarters." Katsura began solemnly, his gaze focused on Kondo's serene features. "They are currently scattered among various hiding places of the Joi and are undergoing recovery as we speak."

Bending over, Hijikata cleared a space beside his miraculously revived commander and knelt down. His trademark cigarette had been replaced by a toothpick after Shimura Tae had confiscated all his coffin nails earlier. "What about the Tendoshu?... Any sign they're gonna act any time soon?"

"My intelligence has gathered nothing much concerning that matter. All we do know is that they are still looking for the shogun and the last shinsengumi." Pursing his lips, he pulled out a folded sheet of paper from his sleeve and handed it over to Kondo.

The bearded stalker started to read and after a few tense seconds, he let it fall into his lap, jaw muscles working hard as rage built up inside his guts. "They have issued a manhunt. Every person following the shogun and every family member is to be imprisoned. Relevant information that leads to the capture of members of the shogun's retinue, the shinsengumi or the Joi fraction may reduce the final punishment significantly."

"My men are used to threats from outside, but I'm not so sure about your enlisted samurai, Kondo-san."Katsura was greeted by thick silence, most eyes casted downwards as their owners were immersed in their inner turmoil and thinking.

They had been able to save the shogun, but what now?

They were facing an army of unknown dimension and power, with their own forces reduced to a handful of men.

"If ya dick up some shit, ya're doing it well." Gintoki suddenly cut into the stillness with a drawled voice. He got up slowly, picking up his bokuto as he made his way towards the sliding doors.

"The yorozuya are at yer service, make use of them. But we should do some talking 'bout the money we'll get from ya after we've fanned out that load of shit."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

FINIS?!?

Ah.

The story is nearing the first climax… may my potential reviewers be with me.


End file.
